Ay los vecinos

<<<<<<Warning: slightly depressing blog>>>>>>OK so now that enough time has passed and I lost all the steam I never really had on this blog. (I'm sure nobody's reading it hence the 0 comments lol). Now I can really say how I feel! Just gotta interject that I don't think people understand what the purpose of a blog is. To actually get to comment on it, not just read it. Shout out to Adri who always comments. (Eventhough I might just be talking to empty internet land, but just in case thanx boo)! Anyway, on to the real topic: so momma said they'll be days like this and tonight I just feel incredibly lonely. Feeling a little down. I don't wanna join my neighbors' conversations because that one annoying neighbor I mentioned on the last blog (Freddie, let's say) somehow always turns ANY conversation (trust me, we could be talking about literally anything) to some anti-American tirade, or makes indirect comments about anything American to watch my reaction. I'm tired of being attacked. I'm sick of feeling like I need to defend myself. I'm exhaused. People (or internet land) if you thought anti-American sentiments didn't exist when you travel outside the US think again (yea Bush f-ed it up for all of us). So I lock myself in my apartment and study, or talk on the phone with my boyfriend, or get online and see if I catch my BFF on gchat, or watch Grey's Anatomy on DVD (soooo hooked :-D)! I get the feeling the rest of my neighbors think I'm just an overly private New Yorker (admit it we don't really like to be bothered much), or that I'm being antisocial, or don't want to spend time with them, or think I'm too good for them. I don't really know what they think. The point is they don't look for me anymore, because I see them not looking to talk to me too much anymore. I feel a distance between us. I just don't fit in with these people. So what can I do? I rather chill by myself than feel uncomfortable just to have company. Nor am I willing to cut my study time to go talk gibberish (they not passing my tests for me now are they)? I wish there were people who got me around here. Now I'll admit, I am kind of quirky, but geez I'm not that much of a weirdo. I feel as though I have to explain everything, I have to be made fun of all the time. They think I don't know how to do anything (dude they were shocked I was cooking chicken. Really? Chicken)?? When I express myself, or open up, they don't get it (or care sometimes I think). I'm not sayin they're terrible people. They're actually very friendly and welcoming, and if I need anything they alway got me. But aquaintances and friendships are two very different things, and I don't know if I've made any friends among them just yet. I just wanna be happy again I guess. It's certainly not easy being alone here by myself. Maybe I'm just homesick. Maybe I just really want Freddie to BACK THE FREAK OFF DUDE. I'm actually considering (politely) asking him to not share his negative American feelings with me, or that otherwise we can surely be on some hi and bye tip. Whatever, I'm goint to bed (this blog is freezing too much and it's annoying the crap out of me). GN internet. (BTW writing crap on a blog totally kicks Facebook's ass, I guess I'm just not really into all that social networking BS).

Somewhere I belong

First of all, I need to shower and hit the sheets (TMI I know I just wanted to write that lmaoo). Anyway, it's really strange being Dominican American and moving to Dominican Republic. I'll explain. OK so, when I'm in the US and they ask me what's my culture, what's my background, what's my ethnicity, where I or my people are from, I say Dominican without hesitation. I mean, I consider myself Latina, more specifically Dominican of course. I think in the US, because it's a country made of immigrants, and NYC especially, where there are people from literally every single corner of the globe, we all refer to our direct cultural root, what country you, your parents, grandparents, even great grandparents are from, and we're all very proud of that (if you're not tsk tsk). So it's confusing at the very least, to come to DR and find that here I'm considered American. I promise I'm not being dramatic. I mean, they purposely single me out as an American, even a "gringa" (which was formerly reserved for white Americans only), and when I don't know which bus to take to Iberia (the supermarket), or understand the meaning of a common obscured phrase (like I'm supposed to know aaaall things Dominican growing up in the Bronx forever), they don't miss a beat to say, "it's cuz she's American, don't you see that girl can't understand what you're talking about, etc." So in America I'm Dominican, and in DR I'm American. So what am I finally? Sometimes I feel like both places are trying to exile me sheesh. I'm sure many of us children of immigrants, especially Latinos, experience this because we are bicultural and bilingual, and people that are monolingual and monocultural (think that's a word), both in the US as well as outside of it, don't fully understand what that implies. Well let me clear it up for you eeeediots! (Eventhough if you're reading this blog, you're most likely bilingual/bicultural yourself). Being bicultural and bilingual means I can dominate two cultures and two languages, both EQUALLY well. It means I understand each culture and each language perfectly (and it doesn't mean I have to know every single little particularity of them each either). Let me just get this off my chest. Ahem. For those Americans who make fun of immigrants or the children of immigrants (like somewhere down the line your family didn't immigrate to the US too dummy), don't be mad because I'm gonna get the job you want because I speak Spanish (and Italian thank you very much), or because I can talk smack about you in your face while you're still super confused as to why I look black and speak Spanish (smfh). And for those Dominicans (feel free to insert your country of origin), who make me feel like I'm a dumb American who doesn't read (this goes for my UBER annoying ass neighbor) or like a terrible person because I'm American (like I was the one who declared the war on oil), don't be mad because I came from a more advanced and wealthier country here to get a nice title on my name, and then reaping the benefits of all I aquired in your backyard, back in the country where the $$ are (don't hate the player hate the game playa LOL), and don't be mad because I can take a plane if I please and change my scenery. BOOM! Ok I'm done now, sigh lol. So like I was saying, being bicultural and bilingual makes me smarter and cooler than people who can only navigate in one culture and one language. En fin, it's a very special thing, and I will always be proud of it (as should we be all that fall into this category)! I will never hide my Dominican roots in the US or hide my American culture in DR. It would be like negating a part of myself on either occasion. As a matter of fact when I began writing this blog I was still trying to figure this all out, but writing it all out makes me sure of where I stand now... haterssssss lol.

For all the dream crushers out there

So I found out my next door neighbor, let's call him Ariel, is an emotional drunk lol. Last night my neighbors and I were drinking and dancing at the colmadón accross the street. When we were back at the building, he began telling us a story about his ex-girlfriend who said he could never make it as a doctor, and how he had a dream that he was saving her mother. According to Ariel, he's absolutely certain that one day he will save his ex-girlfriend's mother's life, and that that will serve as the slap in the face to show her he made it. But then he got deeper. He began sobbing (loudly), because he's afraid when he returns to Puerto Rico people will think he's  a "come mierda (that literally means "shit eater," but it's just Dominican slang for bougie [sorry NY slang lol], a sellout, or basically an elitist who thinks he's above others)." The point is Ariel is aware his life is changing, that his status in life constantly rises the longer he remains here studying medicine, and he's afraid that instead of congratulating, others will despise him. Just to tell you a little more about Ariel, he's 19 years old, came to D.R. straight after high school to study medicine. and volunteers at the local hospital, El Hospital Musa. We actually got into it one night (we used to bump heads a lot when I first got here, but we good now lol) because in his oppinnion, I should be hungry trying to get my hands on people. Meaning at the Musa he puts casts on people, he sutures patients up, he even writes prescriptions! Don't get me wrong, I can't wait till I get tot he point where I can put down the text book and begin to get my hands dirty, but every med student has a different approach. When I put the text book down I want to be confident that there's nothing (or very little) in that book that I need to reference. I mean we're talking about people's lives here, and this isn't a game. As good as your intentions might be, if you're not a professional you can put someone's life in jeopardy. Hence the reason why I don't go to the hospital here unless I happen to be bleeding profusely from my carotid artery and about to have a stroke. They let med students (I mean he's still in pre-med for goodness' sake!) suture people in the E.R. I'm sorry but I don't want NOBODY who don't know what they doing practicing on me!! Sorry. Again don't get me wrong, Ariel is doing amazing stuff in there (and the hospital is understaffed for sure), and he said last night he doesn't know how it comes to him, it just does. As he sobbed some more, he told us that this life saving instinct causes him sadness becauuse he gives of himself to strangers and they thank him profusely, but those close to him he tries to help whom he wants to come up in life with him chose to remain below and then refer to him as a come mierda. Sigh, here's my assessment: Ariel is very young, and as mature and bright as he is (medicine requires a definite level of maturity) I don't think he's figured out the precise role in his future yet, besides the fact that he wants to become a physician and heal and save lives. He doesn't understand yet that medicine is not something you do to receive gratitude, you do it because it truly fulfills you. I mean, I see a disconnect here when you help people and you don't feel good about it (don't you)? He doesn't see that he doesn't need to save that lady's life to slap his ex in the face, that title (Dr. of course) before his name will do all of the slapping for him. I'm not gonna lie, I've day dreamt over and over about going back to the office of director of premedical studies at City College (the one who told me I should think of another career and had me sobbing all crazy in her office) and making her address me as doctor the whole time LOL, but I've realized God will take care of all those people. (Maybe it's the Christian in me IDK). I just know as long as you do something with vengance in your hear you're doing it for the wrong reason. Nevertheless I feel you Ariel! I'm not saying I'll go back to that director's office to show her how I made it despite her crushing my dreams for a minute, I'll just say I hope I randomly run into her and tell her that! ;-D

Of course there was a catch

So today I figured out the real challenge of going abroad to study medicine. On top of having to pass and master all these subjects (so you don't kill any people at work) and pass the USMLE (United States Medical Licensing Exam) like all the other med students in the US, the med students abroad have to basically teach themselves medicine the American way, on their own. In other words, the catch is that if you go out of the country, whatever country you end up studying in will teach you medicine their way (duh I should've known that right?) and so it's up to the students to study for every subject that semester (which is about 11 at a time) while at the same time (preferably before) learning that subject the American way, or the way it's gonna come out on the USMLE, otherwise you'll be desperately trying to learn ALL of the subjects the American way at the same time (needless to say that's a horrifying idea). So now we have to be both the teacher and the student. Ugh, I knew about this, I just wanted to do this so bad I didn't care, but now that I'm here I see what a challenge this is really gonna be. I see some of these older students breaking their heads scrambling to retain crazy amounts of info in one semester to take a test that let's be honest, only roughly 50% of international med students can ever pass anyway so I'm not gonna lie it's a little scary. BUT the good thing is I met an awesome guy today from D.C. named Dave and he gave me some seriously great advice. He said if he knew about some good review tools like the Dr. Najeeb videos, the Gunner Training, and the USMLE WordQbank when he was a freshman he would've studied in advance and he "would've been a beast by now," LOL as he put it. On one hand you do have to pay $30/month for it, on the other hand, I'd rather pay $30/month, pass the first time with a good score, save myself a required semester of basic med sciences review (if you pass the simulated USMLE test you save yourself a whole semester!) and come home faster (yes I'm still trying to figure out ways to get back to the Bronx sooner), and not split the semester in half as many students do because of the amount of work, stay here for longer, possibly fail the USMLE. Catch my drift? So shout out to the homie Dave! You know I didn't think this abroad thing could get any more complicated...but it just did. Oy vey :-\